Hello again lovely people! Well its closing in on the end of the year and we've got a few moments to look back and see whats happened. Things f...
A year in review
December 24, 2014
Take a step back.
February 28, 2015
I can recall a time not all that long ago where a few things seemed to mean so much, with a distance there feels like there so much less importance on them. Maybe its the realization that they didn't matter as much as I thought or that I've become to no longer desire something that does so much damage to me. Only time will tell I suppose.
Or is it to hope for a familiar feeling, even if one of pain for lack of a better word. Like stitches it only takes once and can't forget the feeling. Having wounds to tend to keeps us busy instead of dwelling on what inflicted them. Deep wounds couldn't be inflicted by someone who said they cared right? Said over and over you mean so much to them, it must be true. Accidents do happen and its never anyone's fault. Feeling faint from the loss try to gather yourself. Don't think about what just happened, what is now gone, what will never be the same. A change that you can never forget or go back from, something is over. Like realizing what death is as a child, perception is now going forward different. And when both of you realize this who will be the first to speak? To say its going to be ok, that things will be fine? Starring into each others eyes either will know its a lie, keeping the tears away, trying not to breath hanging in a moment that will the be the last of its kind. Your minds race, too fast to gather words or form sentences. This moment will end, and the world you both share will shatter and remain in complete disrepair. A hanging note on the end of a despondent symphony. Empty words will be spoken and forgotten.
The finger pointing will begin, the blaming, the accusing claim that one didn't try to repair what could not be mended. And resentment will form, both knowing they were right above the other. As a dying flame it will dwindle, this passionate thing that once two people shared in a world all their own is gone. Going from lovers to bitter foes in as much time as it took to fall hopelessly in love with each other. A Romantic equation that works for no one but the both of you. All there is to do is to look back on a better time in hopes it will return.
In this time we mourn. We act as if a family member had died. And it feels like it, except there is no wake, no eulogy, no reprise. Just the bitter acceptance that there is nothing left but the fact its all in the past now. To gather yourself and the remnants of what was and look not forward but anywhere. Bleak as these things are now you can't imagine them ever getting better. This could be true. Giving everything to someone to have it disregarded and cast aside is not much to hope for. Is there appeal to having thing be better, be health? Being a custom to something for so long you being to almost like it. Where a part of you doesn't know how to live and not manage anothers happiness, to care for yourself. Diligently neglected to show how much someone can mean to you, even if the refuse to notice. Conditioned to be less important. And when the issue arises, which it will, it will be your fault, because if you make that other person accept responsibility you become the bad guy. To maintain you take the blame for bringing it up, nurse their nonexistent wounds and go back to being wrong without question.
For a time this feels right, to take the fault onto your self to keep one you care for happy. Maybe they don't seem capable to deal with the results of their own actions. And we spare them this guilt. Maybe it keep things better for one more week, one more day, one more night, or one more evening with them that is maybe the last you will spend with them. Will that time be worth all the heartache, the headaches, and the greater pain that will follow?
Time will tell if the choice you made was for your best interest or not. Leaving something, like a relationship, never comes without prolonged attachments or remnants. You can never just walk away from something you have invested so much time in, life would not be that kind to us. Like the smell of smoke in your hair, sand in your shoes, and glitter on your fingers it just wont go away so easy. Something will for sometime, if not for always, be a reminder of this thing you shared with someone, but more so how it fell apart.
Every part of this experience will make us examine it to no end, though never in the middle of it when it would make the most sense. Because being rational when dealing with matters of the heart doesn’t work. So after its over, and the glass has been swept away, the papers picked up and sorted, you have this “thing” to think about till at some point it makes sense or you cant think about it anymore. Not like thinking it over ever makes it better. You just end up finding things that make you hate what happened even more.
After a while you realize you cant remember all the details like you could before. What you did the day before you first met, what time you said goodbye that first night or how you didn’t want the cab to show up, where you stopped on your first road trip, what made you come up with that nick-name for each other, what shirt they wore most often, and what you both wore when you said goodbye for the last time...And as they fade they will haunt you as long as you let them.
When we think about past relationships, even the worst ones, we have a tendency to over romanticize them because for what ever reason it seems to makes them feel more important, like you were star crossed lovers who had the cards stacked against them. This idea that if things had been different it would have lasted, could have been better, you both could have taken on the world and made life what ever you wanted it to be. If only there was a second chance, right. Would it be different? How much would you have to bleed for someone so they pretend to care?
I suppose that brings us back to where we started, distance and time will let things fade away completely, to a point where you can see and accept the truth that pain for making someone love you isn't worth it and never will be. If you're still adamant about reliving the past think about this, life can only be so fare, fare enough to let you find someone you lose yourself in, and then remind you that life is running the show, and you have front row seats to a burning bridge.